Så, härmed presenterar jag The Malkavian Book of Not:
And lo, he came forth from the dappled hut, his eyes ablaze with a fury;
2. And passed to his faithful minions The Book, and they all averted their gaze
3. For it was plaid.
4. "Bear witness to my wisdom. Keep these words close to thy hearts. Do this, and there shall be cake and ice cream for all."
5. And lo, it was so. And the faithful minions took the Plaid Book to heart, even though the Holy One has yet to deliver on the cake and ice cream. Bastard.
Malkav's Little Instruction Book, Volume II
1. Believe in mayhem at first sight.
2. Never laugh at anyone's dreams, unless they're really,
really stupid.
3. Overpay good babysitters.
4. Never refuse princedom. It is your civic responsibility, and you'll learn a lot.
5. Don't buy a car with a sun roof. What are ya, a moron?
6. Don't judge people by their relatives. Take me, for example. Arikel was a schmuck.
7. Don't admire people for their power tools, but for the creative and generous ways they put them to use.
8. Never drive while holding a Vessel between your knees.
9. Keep the porch light on until all the Family is in for the night.
10. Pray. It beats doing nothing when the hounds of hell descend.
11. Drink deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live death completely.
12. Keep a well stocked first-aid kit in your car and at home.
13. Accept a breath mint if someone offers you one.
14. Plant zucchini only if you have lots of friends.
15. Meet regularly with someone who holds vastly different views than you. Then kill them. That'll teach the bastard to think differently.
16. Talk slow, but shoot fast.
17. Be the first to fight for a just cause. No, forget that "just cause" crap. Just fight.
18. Surprise an old friend with a phone call. "Hey, Helena, It's me, Menele..."
19. When you have the choice of two exciting, plump things, choose the one you haven't tried. We've got to watch those blood bond thingees.
20. Leave a razor blade where a childe can find it.
21. Don't ride in a car if the driver has been feeding.
22. Don't confuse comfort with happiness.
23. Don't confuse wealth with success.
24. Don't confuse polyester with Dacron.
25. Be the last to forgive. but the first to forget. What was I saying?
26. Write a short note inside the lid when sending a letter-bomb.
27. Never give a bomb that's not beautifully wrapped.
28. Make the rules for your Children clear, fair, and consistent. Then change them. Hourly.
29. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. If you're gonna fight, do it big.
30. When you need professional help, get it from your friends, not professionals. What do _they_ know?
31. Smile when picking up the chainsaw. The boy scouts will hear it in your voice.
32. Always put something in the collection plate. You can always get more blasting caps.
33. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immorality.
34. Never be the last to break a family Tradition.
35. Drive as you wish your Kids would, if they weren't a bunch of self-serving whiners.
36. Put anonymous death threats in your Childe's lunchbox.
37. Never say anything uncomplimentary about another person's Blood doll.
38. When talking to your victim, don't let him or her interrupt or end the session early. It's your body and your money. Stay until all your questions are answered to your satisfaction.
39. Don't think that sending a gift or flowers substitutes for your Presence.
40. Turn enemies into friends by doing something nice for them, like staking their family, and letting them watch the sun rise.
41. Never buy anything electrical at a flea market.
42. Everyone loves your vitae. Look hard for ways to give it to them.
43. Be an original. If that means being a little eccentric, so be it. If that means being slightly off your nut, amen. If that means juggling chainsaws in a nursey, Halleluia, brother!
44. Accept the fact that regardless of how many times you are right, you will never be wrong.
45. Never swap your integrity for money, power, or fame. Jerry Lewis movies on Beta, however, are acceptible.
46. Become a person who brightens a room just by entering it. Don't forget: when gasoline burns, it smells pretty foul, so bring an air freshner.
47. Watch "The Andy Griffith Show" to help put things in perspective. Opie must die.
48. Allow your Children to face the consequences of their actions. And your actions, too. Duh.
49. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your really sharp stick (tm).
50. When you say, "I love you," mean it. But only if you feel like it, that is.
51. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. It makes Dominating them to play hopscotch in a minefield all the more easy.
52. Don't trust your memory; write it down. It's best to do it on toilet paper, so the Ugly Ones can share in your wisdom.
53. When friends offer to help, let them. You always need cannon fodder.
54. Set aside your dreams for your Children and help them attain their own dreams. Wait a minute, what am I _smokin'_ here? Screw the Kids.
55. Don't eat any meat loaf but your mom's. I mean it this time.
56. Don't stop the parade to pick up a dime, unless some really hungry guy is going to first.
57. Read more books. Watch less television. Or was it, "Read more television, and Watch less books?" "Read less watches, and book more televisions?" Whatever.
57. When you find something you really want, don't let a few Traditions, or Justicars, keep you from getting it.
58. Never tell a man he's losing his sanity. He might start looking for it.
59. Remove your sunglasses when you talk to someone. See #51.
60. Every so often, let your spirit of adventure triumph over your good sense.
61. Watch your altitude. It's the first thing people notice about you.
62. Trust in Caine, but lock your car.
63. Never betray a confidence. Unless it's Tuesday. Or a month with a vowel in it.
64. Give people more than they expect, and do it cheerfully. This is especially true of treachery.
65. Go home for the holidays. Maybe they've called off that Bloodhunt. It could happen.
66. Don't let weeds grow around your dreams. Let them grow around your enemies.
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